You’ve Fallen Out of Love
Remember back to your wedding day. I’m sure you see a young couple hopelessly in love. They don’t know what life is going to bring, but whatever comes they’ll face it with love as their weapon. Fast forward many years, and the couple likely looks less optimistic. Why this change?
Every year the local churches host the No Regrets Men’s Conference. One speaker this past year, Pastor Ray Johnston, gave a message titled, “Happy Wife, Happy Life.” In this message he dropped the bombshell that every marriage goes through these same three stages in marriage.
First is the honeymoon stage. Here the couple is infatuated with each other. Everything’s perfect, you hold your spouse on a pedestal, and you are completely ignorant about who you and your spouse truly are. This stage cannot last. In this stage you are in love with an ideal image of your spouse, but eventually you come to realize that you have differences and they have faults.
Then comes stage 2, and the problem with stage 2 is that if you don’t know there’s a stage 2 you’ll never make it through it. Stage 2 is aptly named the despair stage. Those cute things your spouse did aren’t cute anymore. Nothing they do is right. You have fights and disagreements and grow bored with your marriage. This typically leads to either depression or divorce.
Many relationships choose to break up at this point only to find that the other person wasn’t the problem. Others choose to break down and resign themselves to living in a loveless marriage. However, scripture teaches us that it is possible to break through these times and come to a third stage, a stage of deeper love. This deeper love is described throughout scripture but particularly in 1 Corinthians 13, and it is the key to going from stage 2 to stage 3.
We often refer to “falling” in love as if it was something that just happens, but love doesn’t work that way. Repeatedly throughout the scripture we’re given the command to love God, love our neighbor, and love our spouse. Love is a choice. This is why the words used to describe love in 1 Corinthians 13 are action words. Repeatedly it speaks of actions rather than warm, fuzzy feelings.
Love is a choice, and if you want to move from stage 2 to 3 you must choose to act like you love your spouse. Open the door. Plant a long, passionate kiss. Go through the motions even if you don’t feel like it, and you’ll find that the feelings return. That look in their eyes returns, and the passion is rekindled.
It won’t happen overnight, but as you feed into the energizing cycle, your marriage will blossom and your love will grow deeper. No longer will you simply be putting up with your spouse but you will develop an understanding an appreciation for them.
It is a myth to believe you’ve fallen out of love. You’re simply in stage 2. Your love for your spouse has always been a choice, and it will continue to be a choice. Wake up every morning and choose to show love to your spouse even if you don’t feel it. Fake it until you make it and you will break through stage 2 with rekindled passion and a deeper love.