Last week we began looking at how to pass the torch to the next generation (Deuteronomy 6:2-9). The second principle is that you must combine relationship with rules. Rules are important. There’s a reason that scripture tells us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1). Rules and obedience are important.
However, just a few verses later we’re also told, “Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4). Believe me, I understand. The easiest way to parent is to lay down the law, to put your foot down and say, “You live in my house; therefore, you’ll obey my rules!” But as your kids grow older, that method is going to become less and less effective.
Rules help to show kids the right path, but they have no power to keep your children from doing wrong. Leaning too heavily upon the rules will ultimately lead your children to hate you as well as the God you serve. If you want to guide your children down the right path, it must come through relationship with them. A loving relationship with your children will cause them to WANT to please you and follow your instructions.
Have rules and enforce them. That’s important! But, just as important is grace. We had a situation a while back in which one of our children clearly violated a long-established rule. The consequences had been spelled out, but before the consequences were carried out, my wife came to me and said, “I think we should show grace this time.” She made her case, and we agreed.
The child was pulled aside, and the conversation went like this. “Child, this was the rule. You knew the rule, and you broke it. This is the consequence for the rule. However, when confronted about this, you didn’t argue, and you didn’t complain. You accepted the consequences for your actions, and for this reason, we’re going to show you grace. That means there won’t be any consequences this time. That doesn’t mean there won’t be next time, but we appreciate the maturity you’ve shown.”
Actions have consequences, as they should. I’m not encouraging passive parenting, but you should take circumstances into account. Discipline must be coupled with a healthy dose of grace.
Discipline is essential, but with discipline comes the age-old question, should you spank your kids? Yes and no. Research has shown that spanking children, when done in love, can be a very effective means of correction, breaking the will of the child without breaking their spirit. However, there are a couple variables to consider.
First is age. Spanking begins to lose its effectiveness after age five or six. It may be appropriate after that age on occasion, but in general, you’d be better served to find alternative forms of discipline.
Second, spanking is a very specific form of discipline. It’s not the same as hitting your kids, punching your kids, or abusing them in any like manner. Abusing your kids is not discipline. Starving your kids or other cruel and unusual punishments are not discipline. If your version of spanking falls within that same category, you’re doing it all wrong.
Third, what is the purpose behind spanking? Never spank your children out of anger. At that point it’s not about discipline but about your anger. The purpose of spanking, and discipline in general, is to direct your children away from what is wrong and harmful. Thus, all discipline must be done in love. Whatever form that discipline takes, it should always end with a hug and an affirmation that mommy and daddy still love you.
The old saying goes, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” That should absolutely be the case in any instance of discipline. Do not take joy in it. Whether you spank, give timeouts, stand in the corner, or ground your children, it should pain you to do so. If you can discipline your children without bearing the bulk of the pain, then you have to ask yourself, “What’s the purpose?”