Communication is the act of giving and receiving messages, seeking to understand and to be understood. Communication is key for any successful relationship, because unless we open up to one another, we can never experience deep love.
Our tendency is to withdraw from such closeness and to isolate ourselves. We see this at the beginning of mankind (Genesis 3:7-13). God created man and woman to have fellowship with him, yet they gave in to temptation and everything fell apart.
Couples don’t enter marriage with the goal of failure but with hopes and dreams for the future. Yet, as life moves on beyond the honeymoon, we slowly begin to erect walls which keep us isolated and unable to experience a deep connection of love.
The first is shame. Immediately after eating the fruit the man and woman realized their nakedness and hide. Shame causes us to hide ourselves. We can’t hide from God, but that doesn’t stop us from hiding from one another.
There are two primary types of shame, imposed and actual. Imposed shame is pressed upon you. These generally include household secrets–alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, physical, mental, or emotional abuse. We don’t necessarily bring this shame upon ourselves, but it’s imposed upon us. Whether last week or 20 years ago, we carry imposed shame with us.
Often, it’s not done intentionally. Naive parents, trying to correct or discipline children, shame them for their misbehavior. Shame achieves the desired goal but inevitably leads to hiding and secrets.
Actual shame is the shame you are responsible for. These are the things we keep secret in our lives for fear that someone might find out. What would happen if people knew our thoughts or what we’d done? Each of wears a mask and puts up walls in order to hide our shame.
The second wall is fear. As the man said to God, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked.” Fear and shame go hand in hand. We fear that people will discover our shame. We fear that if people really knew what was behind the mask that they’d reject us. Fear of rejection keeps us from being honest.
How many times has a husband or wife said, “If you ever cheat on me, I’m gone,” in an effort to keep their spouse from infidelity? But what happens if, in a lapse of judgement, mistakes are made? That fear then creates a wall that prevents them from confessing their wrongdoing. That fear adds yet another wall in order to hide the shame.
We erect these walls to keep ourselves safe, but in so doing, we keep out the only thing that can help us, love. There is one more wall I’d like to address next week, but in the meantime, know that there is hope. All was not lost when man and woman disobeyed in the garden. God, in His infinite wisdom, made a way to reconcile mankind to himself. The same is true in your relationships. God has made a way, through Jesus Christ, to not only reconcile us to Him but to reconcile people to one another.